things to think about

today i am thinking about: FAT PEOPLE DANCING II.
July 6, 2009, 11:26 pm
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It’s Disco Week at Dance Your Ass Off! And Ariel Croce and Nina Kisselgoff are here again for YOU.

This week Oxygen is really editing heavily! We have dove right into the DRAMA. We jumped right into Alicia’s meltdown: she is frustrated, she is tired, she is MAD AT JUNK FOOD. So she throws it all out and ALL THE OTHER FAT PEOPLE ARE VERY ANGRY. Luckily, this is all we have to hear about everyone’s issues before we get to the good part: ALL THE DANCING. NO PLOT. JUST DANCING.

Except, oh wait. This show is BORING. The choreography is BORING. The dancing is largely BORING. The judging is BORING. There’s a boring British man judge who pretends to be super artistic. There’s a boring blond lady who is irrelevant. There is a boring brown-haired lady who is trying to be Mary Murphy/Paula Abdul. Why are we watching this show? Why are fat people dancing with such shoddy choreography?

We were going to do fun reviews for you and we were going to draw the choreography and instead it’s just so…blah. We don’t care about the characters. We don’t really care about this useless and unnecessary choreography. We care about why they are draping these fat people in all this fucking FRINGE, that’s true. Nina Kisselgoff, guest critic, says “they are teaching them how to do bad drag queen choreography.”

So accurate.

What we predicted last week came true: the weight loss scores narrowed considerably this week, ranging from 2.66% of someone’s body weight down to 0.66% of someone’s body weight. The dance scores had to open up as a result: 7.7 down to 5.3. It will be interesting to see if this trend continues.

Nothing interesting enough happened to tally. Seriously. Aside from egregious uses of fringe, which I assure you are plentiful.

Fat people tricks:

  • Karla did a somersault.
  • Miles did a split leap.
  • Brandon’s cartwheel and his naughty! naughty! splits.

Racism issues:
Vociferous fat black woman wearing inexplicable fringe and devouring her skinny male partner: check.

Here are our top 5 recommendations for this show:
1) They need to clarify what “the dream” is that may or may not end if you go home. Is their dream really just to lose weight on national television? To be a dancer? Why are we upset they might leave?

2) The judges need to say smarter things. It’s half-baked dance criticism. Any random with no dance experience could say more intelligent things than these people are saying. It feels clear they are not taking the dancing seriously.

3) We need a little bit more — there are basic things about dance technique that can be taught in a week that are not that hard, like pointing your toes. Make it about the quality of the dance! Give us choreography that isn’t just waving your arms around and shaking your ass! Give us something interesting! Anything! Come on! This is like bad step aerobics.

4) We have no idea who these people are! Who are the choreographers? Why are they being so easy on the dancers? They’re another benevolent thin person helping out the fatties but we have no idea how each pair works together, specifically. It’s week two and we still can’t tell the dancers apart.

5) If it is going to be a weight loss show, it should be showing them struggling more with that. There wasn’t any of that. People are saying they wish they lose weight, but we don’t know how hard they’re trying because we only get generic little clips. We’re not invested in their weight loss.

In sum: we don’t know enough to care about the people, we don’t know enough to care about their weight loss, we’re not learning anything, and the dancing is BORING. Ergo, why watch this show?

Oh right. There aren’t any other fat people dancing on television. We both want more fat people dancing. We want to see a diversity of bodies moving. We want to see people reminding us how fierce fat bodies can be. We want someone to take fat people moving seriously, not like some kind of drill team for bored six-year-olds. Give us style. Give us grace. Give us something, anything, some kind of fat people dancing bone.

Next week, just to prove this show has already jumped the shark, it’s STRIPPER POLE WEEK. Yes, all of the fat people will be dancing with a stripper pole. Dear God almighty.

We’ll see you then.