things to think about

today i am thinking about: RADICAL LOVE (greatest hits post)
June 9, 2009, 12:03 am
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I wrote this originally as my very first post on a different blog. Since I am busy seeing David Byrne and researching 70s swinger afghans and graduation percentage rates, I have lots in the hopper but not a lot ready for you. It is summer in NYC and it is so beautiful outside. I am not sure how to tolerate doing my work given that, but I will try, because I just love you so much.

So without further ado! Here it is, from early 2008. I should write a response to this, but not right now.


Lately I have been thinking about love. About radical love. About polyamory and nonmonogamy and the in the middles. About monogamy. About love, big love, lightning bolt love. About sex and casual sex and aftercare. All of these things about love.

1) Radical love. Falling in love with everyone. Opening your heart to beautiful things. I went to see Wendy-o-Matik talk and she was so west coast but she said some amazing things that I was ready to hear. Things about taking care of each other, of your community, of having lots of kinds of lovers and friends. That every relationship is a relationship, even if it is not what a lot of people would call a relationship. That you should honor your friends and your lovers equally, that your friends can be more important than your lovers, or can be your lovers, or not be your lovers, and that all of that is okay. That you can have snuggle friends and romantic friends and hold each other’s faces and it is not a fake relationship, it is not something to mourn or fret over — it is something to celebrate, all the delicious and infinite ways two people can fit together. Sidebar: I never thought I would use lovers seriously and OH MAN I am embarassed by myself a little.

2) Having friends that you talk to every day. Friends with whom you have ambiguous boundaries? Friends for whom you have ambiguous desires? Romantic friends that aren’t sexual but you court each other, hold each other’s faces, smoke each other’s cigarettes, participate in grand plans. Good solid friends whose babies you will diaper. Friends who are your permanent affairs behind the backs of everyone else. Friends you know you will play hearts with, drinking and swearing, at 87 years old. Friends you never see but love very deeply even when you never talk on the phone. All the different beautiful kinds of friendships and how they change and morph. It’s delicious. But what do you do about friends + desire? You work it out, right? You let nature take its course. But is that escalation ruining the friendship, or saving it? Making it right or breaking it? Can friends do that without everything changing in a negative way?

3) What do you owe the person you fuck? What do you owe the person you let fuck you? What do they owe you? Should we talk about anyone owing anyone? Is that a healthy economy ever? A true one? Why is it that “good girl” are two of the hottest and most compelling words in the English language, in the right context? What makes them so addictive? Is it wrong to find your friends who you love very much and trust very much and let them pet you back into your skin instead of the fuck who sent you so far out of it? Is that just displacing too much? Is that breaking down things too much? If we do not accept obligation as a requirement, only desire and mutual caring, are we ruining society or are we fixing it? And who tells me I’m good after I’m no longer naked, no longer sweating and swearing and coming, but in my pajamas and worrying it wasn’t okay after all?

4) I believe in lightning bolt love. I really do. Right down to the soles of my feet. I talk about polyamory and nonmonogamy but really if I found someone who lightning bolted my heart to the sky I wonder if these would become theoretical discussions. It is funny to be so full of so much of this big talk and still remember that being true to myself is acknowledging I am a big romantic when I let myself trust the emotions. I am not so tough and badass as I like to pretend. I kind of love romance. I’ve ridden subway trains for hours out of my way just to leave presents. Driven cars at 2am to say hi at lunch. I send poems.

I want to believe in big lightning love, in what happens when electricity passes through two people. It has happened before for me, and it will happen again, and until then I don’t really mind revelling in this huge and wide-open field. There is too much love here to ignore it and I want to roll in it and I guess when the lightning bolts come for me again, I will figure out what I do next. I do not feel a need to “date” as in shop around for a person to be partnery dates with. When it happens, it’ll happen, and I will not have a choice.

5) People say “Ariel, do you want to date? Who yentas the yenta?”
And I say “When it is inevitable what will be will be. Until then I want friends and I want romance and I want sex and I want it all in delicious and infinite combinations. I want to be able to be at a party and be everything I want. I want to expand endlessly. I do not want to feel any obligation to another person because of commitments I made just because I felt like I had nothing better coming.”
And they say, “You haven’t met the right person yet, have you?”
But not because they don’t understand. Because they do.

Love? Be it man. Be it woman.
It must be a wave you want to glide in on,
give your body to it, give your laugh to it,
give, when the gravelly sand takes you,
your tears to the land. To love another is something
like prayer and can’t be planned, you just fall
into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief. <– Anne Sexton understands too.